My Phone Connects Me to My Village and My Memes, LET ME SCROLL, OK?

A passionate defense of my weekly screen time totals.

😎🤱🏻 Why give your $5 to Jeff Bezos today when you could give it to two moms who want to build a thriving community of insane lactivists and birth nerds🤱🏻😎

I would probably bring my phone as a plus one to a wedding if I could. 

My husband laments that somehow I never answer his calls even though my phone is actively in my hand (I don’t know how I manage this either, tbh). 

I know it’s probably not doing my brain any favors.

If you’re a parent, you’ve probably felt guilty about letting your child have too much screen time since the science is pretty clear: it doesn’t help them learn, it can affect their sleep, behavior, school performance and health. 

One creator once sparked a big controversy when she called Cocomelon “Cocaine for Babies”.  Harsh, but here’s the thing: I’m not a BABY! I’m not even an adorable toddler with a very malleable brain! I’m a grown woman with a tired-ass brain who just wants to scroll!!

I know, I knowww it’s not great for my kids to see me on my phone all day.

Yes, I’ve told them “Just a minute” dozens of times as I finish up making a Tik Tok or responding to a comment.

It’s not the best, but I’ll take the L!! The L for LAYING ON MY ASS AND CATCHING UP ON VANDERPUMP RULES DRAMA!!!!

I’ve seen various Instagram posts gently scolding me for my screen time, informing me of all the other things I could have done instead of “spending 2 hours a day on social media”. The irony of me reading that sort of content ON social media is too profound for me to even underscore.

Sure, I could be learning Portuguese, I guess???

But let me tell you what the rest of my day was like:

I’m trying to raise children in a way that breaks “authoritarian parenting” cycles, I’m cooking and trying to get my kids to eat food that isn’t loaded with red dye, I’m attempting to maintain a marriage with a husband who works 60 hours a week, actually drink water, lose weight, not lose my mind and keep my KIDS’ screen time at a minimum.

In short: Portuguese can go fuck itself.

A recent article in TIME highlighted that experts can’t agree on how much screen time is too much screen time for adults. Some argued how long we’re on our phones isn’t the issue but what content we’re consuming, which is something I can relate to. I’ve learned (with the help of my therapist) to unfollow accounts that cause anxiety, emotionally detach from negative comments, and also just not take the whole thing so damn seriously.

But I like what this UCLA professor said in the piece.

If you feel as though your screen time has become excessive, ask yourself five important questions:

1. Are you sleeping well?

2. Are you eating well?

3. Are you leaving the house and being social?

4. Is your work going well?

5. Are you physically active?

“If all of these things are happening, then I wouldn’t worry about your screen time,” he says.

GREAT! I won’t. I would like some small doses of mindless obliteration delivered to me in the form of Tik Tok drama, comment threads, and relatable memes. This is a victimless crime.

But because taking time off social media occasionally never hurt anyone, I do employ some basic strategies to make sure I am present and I get done what I want to get done in my day.

1. Leave my phone upstairs for the morning- no screen time mornings means less fighting between my kids and less FOMO for me over Taylor Swift’s concert the previous night 

2. Here’s a lazy mom hack- when your phone dies in the afternoon, just let it be dead until bedtime. Mine starts to peter out at about 4 pm so I’ll put it upstairs while I make dinner and do bedtime. 

3. No social Saturdays. Sometimes I’ll have posts that go out as scheduled but I don’t post in stories or interact much.

Here’s the other thing: I built an entire business from my phone that allows to stay at home with my kids instead of going to a soul sucking teaching job. My kids may see me on my phone, but in my opinion it’s better than me having to leave them for 8 hours a day for work.

I Don't Want to Send My Kids to Public School Because I Used to Teach at One

You wouldn’t be reading this article (from your phone) if it weren’t for the connections and community I built online (from my phone).

Also? I LOVE the internet and the community I’ve built here. I have forged GENUINE FRIENDSHIPS that I feel I can be more authentic in than in some of my IRL ones.

Women, LIKE ME, are mothering in isolation. We are more disconnected from community than ever. Show me the birth videos! Tell me what stupid shit your boomer mom said about “holding the baby too much”. I love asking my followers for their opinions on anything from toddler weaning to skin care tips. There are other moms out there, who were it not for our loud and proud lactivism would have no other resources outside of her lame pediatrician who is encouraging her to ‘supplement with formula.’

This Giant Braless Elephant is Me

People have called online crunchy moms, a cult, a pipeline, ‘the alt right’, anti-science, whatever. Here’s what I know: I have found and built an online community of women who share the same values, sense of humor, and passion about all the things I care about. They all live inside my phone. That feels like a gift, not a curse.