This Giant Braless Elephant is Me

And a few other deeply relatable animal moms.

Jan 18, 2023

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Chimpanzee Moms Need Me-time.

Until recently it was believed that chimp moms weren’t as social as other apes because they spent so much time caring for their off-spring. But researchers at George Washington University found that new chimp moms seek out at least as much quality time with other adults and leave their baby with a trusted ape babysitter.

I would honestly let a lady chimp live in my house (borrow my clothes, seduce my husband) if that meant I could get more time at an overpriced restaurant with my bestie.

Nursing Elephants Seals are too Buoyant to Dive

Female elephant seals give birth annually to a single pup in winter. They spend four weeks on the beach nursing their pup, relying entirely on stored fat. Their extra blubber makes it impossible for them to dive for extra food, so they just live on their blubbery fat reserves. “DoNt WoRrY yOu’Ll lOsE WeIgHt bReAstFeEdiNg!” 🌝

Female Vampire Bats Regurgitate Blood and Food for their Girlfriends to Eat When They are Having a Hard Time.

Any stories from new moms, I love. Anything they want to barf up and leave on my plate nourishes me. Early motherhood is so isolating and surreal the fact that other women experience it is amazing to my newly wired mom brain. I want to feast on the little gritty details.

I want all the details about your kid’s last bout with constipation.

I want you to tell me every innocent but thoughtless (and therefore rage provoking) comment your husband made in the last month.

What did you buy at Target? Go slow.

Whatever dumb bullshit your mother in law said about “illegals” at Christmas dinner, I want you to barf it, bottle it, and sell it to me for $9 at a farmer’s market. I’ll take a dozen.

I Am This Sheeple

Here’s my favorite description of what it’s like to be a pregnant sheep: “Heavily pregnant ewes are in pretty much constant discomfort, from kicking unborn lambs to trying to carry the huge amount of weight around. You’ll notice ewes having difficulty getting up and down in particular. However, once they have found a spot to sit in, they’ll happily sit and chew the cud for hours.”

Squatting and Bare Chested Elephant Queen

This very real picture of a nursing mama elephant is exactly what I look like getting up to pee between night feeds.

Chicken Moms Dissolve Their Bones of Their Babies

People are always like, I’m like a lioness! I’m a tiger mom! I’m a mama bear! That Wizard of Oz trio aint shit for the realest moms in the game: Chickens.

Chicken moms need to create an endless amount of calcium carbonate for eggshells. So if chickens don't get enough calcium in their diets, they'll actually dissolve their own bones to make baby-housing shells. And like, wouldn’t you melt down your own bones to protect your little feather soft baby? I see👏 you 👏chicken👏moms!!

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