I'm reading this and going, who ever thought it was a good idea to take parenting advice from white fucking men?? 🙄
And sure enough they came up with the most insane methods to parent. I will never NOT hug or kiss my kid. I will always let her sit and cuddle with me anytime anywhere. I will not shake her hand in the morning (who the fuck even came up with that).
This is such a great piece!! It is hard to find the right balance in parenting. My kids are now grown, but I remember watching other parents and wondering what effect different methods of parenting would have on children across the lifespan. I chose to feel into and listen to my instincts, and I now work with young mothers to do the same. Listen to your kids through your heart. They will and can learn through reasoning without using too many rewards and "punishment" ( I really despise this word period and especially in relation to parenting). We are here to educate, co-regulate, protect, and love our children, which builds lifelong intrinsic motivation, safety, secure attachment, and self-regulation. Relying too much on rewards and penalizing them for their behavior and feelings only teaches them shame and external methods of control. It does not teach them about self-control. Start reasoning with children, infants even. Explore their feelings and needs with them through attuned language and explore with them how others feel, too. They will grow to understand and then that framework will guide them well into adulthood. We are modeling emotional intelligence and emotional ethics this way. We are shaping humans. Not "conditioning" lab rats for our own comfort and needs. To do this, though, parents have to be regulated and have our own "stuff" somewhat figured out before we can provide this humane scaffolding for our children. Or we will just be passing along the faulty programming passed down to us.
I once dealt with a child who thought kicking me hard in the stomach was hillarious. Instead of behaving like all the adults around her and just screaming "no kicking! No hitting", I said, quite calmly, "Ow! That really hurts! Kicking me in the stomach hurts". She looked at me with complete bewilderment and said "But you're an adult". Apparently it had NEVER occured to her that she was actually hurting anyone and that kicks could hurt an adult just as much as they hurt a child?! Anyway, after that she never kicked me again and she's the sweetest little thing.
Yes, this is something that’s been on my mind lately, though in a much more jumbled, mumbled and raw way. The one thing I struggle with most is the rewards. My oldest son is a very reward motivated being. He loves getting some sort of little treat after a job well done. We try to make it a surprise little like, gratitude gift instead of the “you do this I’ll give you this”…but I do wonder if it’s all the same or if that delivery makes a difference.
I think there is a difference I remember when I was a teacher and I read a lot about positive rewards and how when you do them with no expectation (not- do this and you get this) then it is more motivating
I'm reading this and going, who ever thought it was a good idea to take parenting advice from white fucking men?? 🙄
And sure enough they came up with the most insane methods to parent. I will never NOT hug or kiss my kid. I will always let her sit and cuddle with me anytime anywhere. I will not shake her hand in the morning (who the fuck even came up with that).
This is such a great piece!! It is hard to find the right balance in parenting. My kids are now grown, but I remember watching other parents and wondering what effect different methods of parenting would have on children across the lifespan. I chose to feel into and listen to my instincts, and I now work with young mothers to do the same. Listen to your kids through your heart. They will and can learn through reasoning without using too many rewards and "punishment" ( I really despise this word period and especially in relation to parenting). We are here to educate, co-regulate, protect, and love our children, which builds lifelong intrinsic motivation, safety, secure attachment, and self-regulation. Relying too much on rewards and penalizing them for their behavior and feelings only teaches them shame and external methods of control. It does not teach them about self-control. Start reasoning with children, infants even. Explore their feelings and needs with them through attuned language and explore with them how others feel, too. They will grow to understand and then that framework will guide them well into adulthood. We are modeling emotional intelligence and emotional ethics this way. We are shaping humans. Not "conditioning" lab rats for our own comfort and needs. To do this, though, parents have to be regulated and have our own "stuff" somewhat figured out before we can provide this humane scaffolding for our children. Or we will just be passing along the faulty programming passed down to us.
Watson had four children.
Three of them attempted suicide.
One of the survivors went on to talk about just how painful his childhood was.
Yikes
I once dealt with a child who thought kicking me hard in the stomach was hillarious. Instead of behaving like all the adults around her and just screaming "no kicking! No hitting", I said, quite calmly, "Ow! That really hurts! Kicking me in the stomach hurts". She looked at me with complete bewilderment and said "But you're an adult". Apparently it had NEVER occured to her that she was actually hurting anyone and that kicks could hurt an adult just as much as they hurt a child?! Anyway, after that she never kicked me again and she's the sweetest little thing.
Yes, this is something that’s been on my mind lately, though in a much more jumbled, mumbled and raw way. The one thing I struggle with most is the rewards. My oldest son is a very reward motivated being. He loves getting some sort of little treat after a job well done. We try to make it a surprise little like, gratitude gift instead of the “you do this I’ll give you this”…but I do wonder if it’s all the same or if that delivery makes a difference.
I think there is a difference I remember when I was a teacher and I read a lot about positive rewards and how when you do them with no expectation (not- do this and you get this) then it is more motivating