I think it’s like when people who suffered real trauma as children use that trauma as an excuse for shitty adult behavior-like at some point, you need to stop complaining and move on-the difficult parts of life do not have to define your life unless you let them. That’s what these women are choosing to do, and in revealing their drama publicly, they are then being rewarded for it. So it’s like a motherhood belittling cycle of BS. We all have hard days, we all get frustrated, we all want to be able to hear our own thoughts or focus on our own hobbies-and we are all living in a society that doesn’t care about our role all that much. But reinforcing that societal attitude by publicly bitching about it isn’t helping any of us.
MOMS FOR HAPPY MOM CONTENT! It’s not that I never want to hear candid truths-it’s that they need to be balanced.
This is the brilliant takedown of the sad mom economy I needed today! What the fuck does "valid" mean? How did we normalize "needing" to feel "seen" by strangers (who have never and will never see you)?
Why is the internet so obsessed with female pain?
I will say that I disagree with Ted Hughes burning his wife's journals. I have looked through a parent's journals after a possible suicide and I wish there had been more. Maybe it's more honest to just say someone had depression than to put words to the horror that was eating them alive... but the brain wants to insight. How did they see themselves? How did they see you? You want data more than a comforting answer.
I have also read my mother's astonishingly maudlin poetry about what a bitch I am (a "parasite" and a "hungry wolf".) You know when your parent resents you. It's better to read the sad ass wolf poem and see just how much they are in their feelings and how disconnected they are from reality.
Ted hudges didn't have that perspective of course, so he may have innocently wanted to spare his children. I suspect he also wanted to "spare" them the details of his affair.
These women documenting their daily angst are not Sylvia plath, though, (in that they aren't that talented) and they aren't that dead. What if their future children didn't NEED to preform on autopsy on their broken relationship with their mother because they fixed it, right now? There is time to wake up and say I am a MOTHER. These little people need me to whine less and self advocate more, today!
I agree 100% with this. I also think it’s very cultural. American culture as a whole is not all that welcoming to children and does not really value motherhood at all. Where I come from children are overwhelmingly viewed as a blessing. So no matter what happens, you would never hear a woman talk about her children or her mothering in this way because, even though it’s hard, you’re just grateful that you can bear and have children. Mothers in general also have WAY more support, so that’s a different story.
My own mother had very little help with me and my brother. Despite some very intense hardships, she still talks about being a mom as the best thing that has ever happened to her and her biggest blessing.
Honestly this started with the fake “mommy wars” stuff. When people go online and all they see is posts about how they should beware of all the “pressure” they will get to breastfeed, they’re on alert already. But when you talk to people, they often will tell you they really didn’t find that there was pressure from anyone. (There wasn’t support either, but we all know that’s another whole thing)
Absolutely this. I felt no pressure from anyone to do anything when my boys were newborns. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong or I wasn’t pushing back enough due to the lack of pressure I experienced. Often, I think we create our own drama to make sense of the world around us.
I asked a friend why someone would do the Costco video thing. (She said tons of ppl told her to do it--bit of a different crowd). Why? She said she thinks mainly for social reasons, laughs which equal love and approval. It seems like so much of this boils down to the fact that moms/ humans are lonely as FUCK and whatever they can share that they think others will connect to they do. Uggggh. Anyway, this was a great read🙏🏼
I think it’s like when people who suffered real trauma as children use that trauma as an excuse for shitty adult behavior-like at some point, you need to stop complaining and move on-the difficult parts of life do not have to define your life unless you let them. That’s what these women are choosing to do, and in revealing their drama publicly, they are then being rewarded for it. So it’s like a motherhood belittling cycle of BS. We all have hard days, we all get frustrated, we all want to be able to hear our own thoughts or focus on our own hobbies-and we are all living in a society that doesn’t care about our role all that much. But reinforcing that societal attitude by publicly bitching about it isn’t helping any of us.
MOMS FOR HAPPY MOM CONTENT! It’s not that I never want to hear candid truths-it’s that they need to be balanced.
This is the brilliant takedown of the sad mom economy I needed today! What the fuck does "valid" mean? How did we normalize "needing" to feel "seen" by strangers (who have never and will never see you)?
Why is the internet so obsessed with female pain?
I will say that I disagree with Ted Hughes burning his wife's journals. I have looked through a parent's journals after a possible suicide and I wish there had been more. Maybe it's more honest to just say someone had depression than to put words to the horror that was eating them alive... but the brain wants to insight. How did they see themselves? How did they see you? You want data more than a comforting answer.
I have also read my mother's astonishingly maudlin poetry about what a bitch I am (a "parasite" and a "hungry wolf".) You know when your parent resents you. It's better to read the sad ass wolf poem and see just how much they are in their feelings and how disconnected they are from reality.
Ted hudges didn't have that perspective of course, so he may have innocently wanted to spare his children. I suspect he also wanted to "spare" them the details of his affair.
These women documenting their daily angst are not Sylvia plath, though, (in that they aren't that talented) and they aren't that dead. What if their future children didn't NEED to preform on autopsy on their broken relationship with their mother because they fixed it, right now? There is time to wake up and say I am a MOTHER. These little people need me to whine less and self advocate more, today!
Loved reading your thoughts
I LOLed when you said “but they aren’t Sylvia Plath.” Sylvia was talented and most of these women just have access to CapCut.
I agree 100% with this. I also think it’s very cultural. American culture as a whole is not all that welcoming to children and does not really value motherhood at all. Where I come from children are overwhelmingly viewed as a blessing. So no matter what happens, you would never hear a woman talk about her children or her mothering in this way because, even though it’s hard, you’re just grateful that you can bear and have children. Mothers in general also have WAY more support, so that’s a different story.
My own mother had very little help with me and my brother. Despite some very intense hardships, she still talks about being a mom as the best thing that has ever happened to her and her biggest blessing.
Honestly this started with the fake “mommy wars” stuff. When people go online and all they see is posts about how they should beware of all the “pressure” they will get to breastfeed, they’re on alert already. But when you talk to people, they often will tell you they really didn’t find that there was pressure from anyone. (There wasn’t support either, but we all know that’s another whole thing)
Absolutely this. I felt no pressure from anyone to do anything when my boys were newborns. I thought maybe I was doing something wrong or I wasn’t pushing back enough due to the lack of pressure I experienced. Often, I think we create our own drama to make sense of the world around us.
The only “real, raw, relatable” motherhood I want is the kind where I put down my phone and live my best life with my boys. That’s all that matters.
I asked a friend why someone would do the Costco video thing. (She said tons of ppl told her to do it--bit of a different crowd). Why? She said she thinks mainly for social reasons, laughs which equal love and approval. It seems like so much of this boils down to the fact that moms/ humans are lonely as FUCK and whatever they can share that they think others will connect to they do. Uggggh. Anyway, this was a great read🙏🏼
Big yikes. Imaging terrorizing your kids for the “love and approval” of strangers.
for sure, just trying to understand. so sad.
Brilliant piece!