Interview Questions for my Baby

Have a seat.

😎🤱🏻 Why give your $5 to Jeff Bezos today when you could give it to two moms who want to build a thriving community of insane lactivists and birth nerds🤱🏻😎

*Shuffles papers officiously*

I see here that you are 16 months old? Is that right? Well, congratulations. Since you passed your probation and have grown four teeth, I think it’s time we do a formal check-in.

Can I offer you something before we start? Coffee, Red Bull, de-caff? Ah, just nibbling on your footsie?

Very good.

To begin:

-Your first food was a strawberry, can you describe the experience in three words?

-Do you feel like you live in your head or you live in the world?

-What’s your first memory?

-When did you first notice that you and I were separate creatures?

-What surprises you the most about ‘Dada’?

-Do feel understood by other babies?

-What do you look forward to each day?

-Will you share a secret with me if I promise to keep it?

-Do you find the alphabet intimidating? Is there a specific letter that raises your suspicion?

-You saw the ocean for the first time recently, any notes?

-What does it feel like when you miss a nap? You seem, how should I put this, mildly insane...?

-Do you feel nostalgic for your younger self?

-Do you dream?

-Do you ever feel condescended to?

-Do you like my singing? Has it improved over time?

-You’ve mastered about 10 words but you make a lot of “talking sounds” is this your language or are you mimicking ours?

-On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rank being born?

-Do you find clothes with cutesy patterns on them (unicorns, smiley faces, princess things) to be whimsical or belittling?

-(Am I on my phone too much?)

-Do you feel like you have dawning understanding of the start and the end of things?

-How did you learn to dance?

-Please rank your milestones by how thrilling each was for you to achieve: rolling, crawling, walking.

-We often comment on your looks; your incredible cheeks, your soulful eyes, your sensational hair. What do you think is your best feature?

-If you could write a book, what would it be about?

-Do you recognize your grandmother as my mother? And me as her daughter? Do the words ‘daughter’ and ‘mother’ hold meaning for you?

-Have you taken a position on shoes yet? Your prior conduct seems…ambivalent.

-Strangers often refer to you as “happy” and “friendly” do these labels feel accurate or constricting?

-How would you describe your sense of humor?

-Of all the animals in your picture books which one would you most like to meet?

-Do you have a sense of identity? Do you mostly identify as ‘baby’?

-Finally, where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Uh, yes, we do validate parking.