Internet Weirdos We Love: Alix Earle
Join me in my neon-lit escape hatch of sorority decadence!
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I’m a millennial on Tik Tok.
As if that weren’t cringey enough, I’m also one of the 4.3 million people who is currently obsessed with Alix Earle. If you don’t know who that is, it’s because you have chosen to not spend your time on Tik Tok and instead pursue other more noble endeavors like learning a new language or volunteering on behalf of refugees.
Not me, I’m too busy clocking time with a 22-year old college freshman. Watching her put on her signature white eyeliner, pick out outfits, take me along to her botox appointments, and boat parties.
And as a mid-thirty something mom of 2, it looks like I’m not alone.
So many comments on her videos and stitches are from moms who say things like: “why am I sitting here wiping butts while obsessing over this 22 year old college student’s fake frat wedding?”
Though I’m not authorized to speak on behalf of the millions of other moms who subscribe to Alix, I think I understand why she calls to us, particularly those of us in the low-tox-boob-in mouths-garlic-drops-in-ears demographic. She’s a delightful neon-lit escape hatch. There’s no drab beige clad babies, no weird Tik Tok dance about mold, no drama over plastic food pouches. It’s a world of cheerful decadence I like to visit but not stay.
Not convinced?
Let me pose this question: what if the prettiest, richest girl at your school was also very nice? Funny, inviting, and self aware? Ok what if her 37-year old stepmom was the infamous call girl at the center of Elliot Spitzer’s demise in 2008?? Would you give up your time lobbying against land mines and join me in celebrating this Internet weirdo??
I didn’t always appreciate Alix. I'll admit I was incredulous after first seeing one of her videos of her and a friend dancing in a UMiami game-day get up showing a generous amount of underboob. “This is how girls are dressing now?!” was my first thought. I was saddened to see that the beauty standard for young girls has reached astronomically high proportions.
And…was I a little jealous? Sure. But because I’m a great person, I have FORGIVEN ALIX for being so beautiful. After all, I looked real good at her age too. I’ll never look like that again and don’t really need to try to. This makes her weapons-grade perfection rather non-threatening, like looking at a beautiful bouquet of flowers or a cheetah before it disembowels a hippo.
Then I started watching her videos. Her dishyness and warmth provides a soothing know-what-to-expect feeling that is refreshing against the chaos of a video app that collects all my data while also making me feel bad about my skincare routine. Famous for her GRWM (get ready with me) videos, you get the feeling you’re right in her dorm room and you’re a part of her lime green lycra world.
Ok, now you’re getting it, right? Enjoy my personal mash note to Alix:
I want to go back to my college days... But I don’t? It’s absolutely exhausting to watch her fly from Miami to L.A. to apply highlighter at a beauty event with Selena Gomez, take a red eye back, go to a pool party and then a Roaring 20’s party the same night. My liver aches just thinking about it. Looking back though, we all did it. Drinking until 1-2 am, crashing and getting up to pregame before the football game the next day. Although my life is better and richer and I love being a stay at home mom, just the absolute insanity of her life is something I’ll never have again. That’s okay, but it sure is nice to watch it from a distance.
She’s pretty, she’s rich, she’s SINCERE! I’m sure we’re all well aware of the trend on the internet that can best be described as “faux relatable”. The I’m being so authentic because I showed a towel on the bathroom floor type. It’s pretty easy to see who is actually faking it. Alix has been endearingly honest about her journey with acne, struggle with anxiety and even her recent break up with a Yankee and the livestream she did explaining their break up as if you were her best friend on Facetime (some people interpreted as a big faux pas. I guess you can be too honest?). She also doesn’t pull punches with “enhancements” she’s gotten like a boob job and lip fillers, “Come with me to get lip fillers!” or the fact her family has money.
You can tell she is the happiest with her friends. “You think I hang out with my friends too much now? Wait until the last semester of college,” she snapped back during the aforementioned break-up livestream. It’s so glaringly obvious that while she is appreciative of all the influencer opportunities coming her way like flying first class to Dubai and staying in a luxury villa with a private pool, being photographed in famous photographer Bryant’s photobooth and posing with Channing Tatum at the Magic Mike premiere, what she enjoys the most is being with her friends. Her whole demeanor changes and you can tell she thinks it’s really important. God, what I wouldn’t give to rewind the clock to 22 and choose good girlfriends over the loser pothead dudes I was lusting over at that age, but I can’t. So watching her is just as good.
She tells us what is cool. Being an old, unfashionable millennial is hard out there. We get ridiculed on Tik Tok for our love of skinny jeans (personally I was never a fan but I’ll never forgive Gen Z for bringing back low rise), side parts, and the cringey “millennial pause”—pausing before we begin speaking on social media. Before watching Alix I didn’t even know what “baking powder” make up was. Now I know that cargo pants are back in and the best brand of cream blush to buy.
The Internet is a ruthless, fast paced place and already people are trying to find reasons to cancel Alix. People have started to put her family on blast and there’s a pic that features a Trump flag somewhere in the background. It feels like a Tweet with her in blackface 15 years ago could surface at any moment. I hope it doesn’t. So far Alix continues to be ascendant and she is taking me by the wrist along with her. I want her era to last forever.
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