Three years means you have one child! On the other hand, being at home means making a world, a haven, a real place, for as many children as come along. Mother, father, children. The home isn't a blank -- it's everything else that's shadowy -- home is what's real and the mother is the queen of it.
"As if the pinnacle of a healthy child is their ability to stand in a line, raise their hands, and hand over the fire truck they were playing with without a full-scale tantrum."
One of the best points in this article. Why are we trying to produce factory-farmed kids that are identical, compliant and expression-less.
I can't count the amount of times I've heard this whole, 'how will they get socialized?' question and wanted to vomit. I'm like, 'have you even met me?'
TBH, I oscillate between clenching my jaw and celebrating when my daughter rebels against me. It's magnificent, she's got a pulse, she's alive and she has OPINIONS! She has good ideas! She's got good reasons to argue with me. I love it (even when it exhausts me).
My inner child especially cheers her on, since I was stifled and punished a lot for expressing myself (lmao this still happens) and I don't want to perpetuate this kind of I-have-more-power-over-you-so-do-what-I-want-or-I'll-make-you-suffer oppression. I have a lot to learn from my children (w/ some guard rails ofc).
The idea that, when kids do things we want them to, in a predictable, quiet and smooth way, means that they're 'good kids' is so nauseating to me. Our society has completely forgotten the purpose of childhood, not to mention the very nature of children. Kids are here to make us think more expansively, to challenge us to let go, to force us to look in the mirror, to value having fun again, to cause us to surrender to the nature of things...It's so sad to see that our society would rather have miserable, regimented, controlled mini-adults than free-expressive-active children...
how much time do we adults spend complaining about how much adulthood sucks? Why on earth would you want to force your precious baby into that kind of drudgery so early? It's almost like we're...selfish!
It's almost like people have kids for the wrong reasons.
I believe the responsibility for the well-being of the family falls on the men, too, but I might not say we should "blame" them for not knowing what they don't know any more than we should "blame" young mothers. I guess it falls on my generation to educate younger men and women about this whole concept of family.
Gosh, I’m in the UK and took my year maternity leave and I still felt it wasn’t enough. Six weeks maternity is beyond heartbreaking.
Have to say my daughter first started nursery at one and she hated it. She never stopped crying at drop offs. I stopped doing drop offs because I hated it so my husband did it instead. In the end we pulled her out. It didn’t suit her at all. Worst of all was the jealousy I felt of my daughters key worker smell on MY baby. That got me. I knew deep in my would it should be MY smell. Not a stranger.
Have to say my daughter thrived when we moved her part time to a Montessori nursery.
I think the issue is we as women are expected to fit in in a men’s world. Built by men for men. Do the same cavemen hours, act like or monthly cycles don’t affect us differently, or menopause. We need new work policies as well as government change in the law from flexible working hours to perhaps work place childcare where you can go breastfeed your baby. It needs a whole new re-think.
Some of us are fortunate enough to be able to stay at home. Others aren’t. There are so many variations of why’s and it’s not just because we want careers, sometimes they’re forced for financial reasons.
I think the scandis are the leaders in this and I’ve no idea why other countries are still so behind.
I used to work as a daycare "teacher" when I was just out of college and before I had kids of my own. That was enough to convince me that I would never put my children in daycare. I stayed home with them for the first ten years of their lives and I would not trade a single dollar I could've earned instead for that connection and foundation to our relationship. But man, does the world undervalue this work. Even now, with my kids off to school for the first time as 4th and 5th graders, I'm constantly fielding questions about when I'm going to go back to work. Thankfully, my family doesn't need the money. We've managed just fine on one income for years with discipline and creativity. But there is still so much work to be done at home, so many times my kids are home for random days off school, playdates to organize, meals to make, not to mention the entire three month stretch of summer. I'm sure I'll work again someday, but for now, I still feel that I belong at home. Thank you for writing this and shining a light on the shitty deal us millenial moms have been given, Andrea.
I love this! It sums up so well all the thoughts I had as my maternity leave ended and why I ultimately couldn’t put my baby in daycare. I really feel for all the mamas out there who don’t have a choice.
Also this: “I also want to tell them: Men and women are different; plan accordingly. You will experience parenthood differently, and in no world will it ever be 50/50 with your partner, because a mother is a whole universe to her children. He can leave for 8 hours a day with little consequence if you’re at home. I didn’t make the rules I just blog about them! SORRY!”
It’s so accurate. Motherhood is not and never will be “fair” and personally that is totally okay with me. Being my baby’s entire universe (though he loves his daddy very much too!) is the greatest privilege ever.
I'm a SAHM of three. I recently joined the YMCA and am grateful for their childcare so I can exercise. Our first week, I sat around the nursery with my seven-month-old for about 20 minutes to get him used to the space and the care workers.
The care workers were all talking about how sad they were that the American Association of Pediatrics had recently recommended against care workers in daycares etc. holding babies who were asleep. The YMCA follows AAP recommendations, so that had recently become YMCA policy. But the care workers, who work there because they love babies and are good with babies, could tell the policy went against normal caring instinct and babies' needs.
The new rule is that if a baby falls asleep in a care worker's arms - which is both wholesome and also a relief, since many babies are in care during their naptime - the care worker may not hold them for more than a few minutes before having to place them in a crib. Of course, my baby, like most babies, will not stay asleep through that transfer to a crib, and will wake up and cry, and will possibly not go back to sleep at all.
I don't know why the AAP is now recommending this - maybe they're worried about accidental suffocation if the care worker is distracted? - but it seems odd, given what we know about the protective effect against SIDS of babies being close to someone else breathing. I assume that protective effect is why the AAP recommends room-sharing at night for the first 6-12 months at least.
Even if napping in a crib might be slightly safer on the tail end than napping in a care worker's arms, what about the smaller but more universal benefit to the nervous system of the baby feeling safe while napping on someone rather than being alone? Not every nap has to be a contact nap, but they're good for babies, especially younger babies, or especially when they're having a tough time relaxing in an unfamiliar or noisy environment (like an out-of-home group care situation).
This isn't a big deal for me, because my baby is only at the YMCA for an hour once or twice a week. And the care workers are quick to text me to come get him if he cries inconsolably for more than a few minutes, as was the case his first three or four weeks. But I can't imagine him being stuck in a situation like that without rescue for 40-50 hours a week. What torture.
What an absolutely bizarre and ridiculous rule! I *JUST* joined the Y and am trying out the youth center there for the first time with a 3 year old. Wish me luck!
AAP is anti-child and anti-family. Any organization who recommends against common sense that is millennia older than they is bad for families and kids.
AAP also recommended masks for kids to stop the spread of a virus despite plenty of evidence that masks don't work and do cause harm. They teach drs how to confidentially prescribe birth control to adolescents so parents don't find out. They advocate for the mutilation of children who suffer from gender dysphoria, denying the evidence that 80% of these kids self-resolve their dysphoria once through natural puberty.
I also joined the Y recently for the same reason (7 month old too!), and I wasn’t aware of this change. I know for sure my girl sleeps better in arms than a crib. This is good to know!
Almost thirty years ago I announced to my family and friends that I would stay at home with our first baby (the oldest of 4). The amount of constant discouragement I received from my parents and siblings nearly drowned me. They said I was going to waste my education, be dependent on my husband and loose out on building my career. So I asked, “Who else but me has a vested interest their outcome? Who else loves them like I do?”
To make things worse in their eyes, I pulled them from “regular school” and proceeded into the adventure of home education. We were peppered with the usual concerns with socialization, educational outcomes and if my kids would be “normal” enough to function in society. Turns out our investment in our children paid off in the most unexpected ways. I do not regret the financial and personal sacrifices we made to keep me in the heart of our family. It was hard work, but anything worth doing is just that…challenging.
The only thing I would have wanted to do differently is to give my younger self a little glimpse of our family now. It would have been the encouragement I needed to ignore the criticism of the outside world.
You sound a bit like my mom! She also received negative feedback ad nauseum about 'wasting her education'...ironically so did my granny and great-granny, who were both educated as well: I'll leave you with the comeback of my great-granny that my mom used to use too - "As long as a woman has a child to rear, her education is never going to be wasted"
I’m WFH with a nanny share. Being able to have focus time in my home office and then see and hold my baby during my breaks has been fantastic, and because we’re splitting costs with another family it’s comparable in price to daycare. Obviously not everyone can do this, but it works for us, and I feel much better about balancing both my career and motherhood. We need to remember that we didn’t evolve to care for babies solo and alone, either! SAHMs do a Herculean effort because of how we live and structure our society.
Great post. I wonder what the world would look like if people were as shocked to hear a mother IS going back to work as they generally are when they hear she’s going to stay home. Women come under too much judgment whatever they do which is so sad - as you touched upon fundamentally we shouldn’t need to have two incomes to live a ‘normal’ life. The whole system is so messed up really.
"I didn’t plan it this way. I just assumed, like every other girl I knew, that my career goals and motherhood goals were one in the same, that one wouldn’t need to be sacrificed."
I hope that those of us who are older and wiser (some who learned the hard way, some who made sacrifices to stay home with their babies) will help younger women understand the truth, even before they get married.
Wow that was a horrifying read! Fortunately daycare's never been 'a thing' in my family (all the moms for the last 3 generations became full-time moms at least for the school years before re-starting their careers) but having to think about that horrible, common reality was an eye-opener. I particularly liked the phrase "infant-management system"...unfortunately that's what a lot of people have been brainwashed to believe being a parent IS...really sickening
Thank you for saying what I know intrinsically to be true. I have had so many parents share their "positive" experiences with daycare and all I want to respond is what they said in the Alex Clark episode--you have attachment issues and you're passing them onto your child now.
"This is the typical status quo for young women: go to college (amassing crushing debt), start a career (to service that debt), get married, wait 3 years, have a baby, get a house (more debt), and go back to work like nothing even happened."
This was similar to my path, without the crushing debt. I used a combination of scholarship and working my way through. I would not have attended college otherwise. At least I got that part right, thanks to my dad's example of eschewing debt.
This is beautiful work. Thanks for starting the conversation.
Financially a lot of mothers have to work, plus what about moms with disabled children? Are we considering neurodivergence a disability? (I don’t believe it is, but it sure feels like one in the world we live in because it’s damn near impossible to live.) Single moms…
I have been and been a part of religious community where the majority of mothers stayed home and I can tell you the majority of us/them were exhausted, resentful and using addictions to cope and I can assure you these kids have tons of trauma.
My point is, we can’t do it without a village, a council and a support system. Personally I believe we need diverse communities, not just skin color but political, religious, world views. Because if that’s not the case humans have this little tendency to form cults and exploit others.
We have to slow the fuck down, stop suckling on the governments teet lol.
The thing that frustrates me the most is, are women seriously going to be expected to birth the population and solve its collective problems? We have to solve it, build it, create it? I don’t see that as sustainable in many ways. Also with very few women thriving who has capacity?
The responsibility must be shifted onto our society at some level to create the thing that we actually want to create.
Three years means you have one child! On the other hand, being at home means making a world, a haven, a real place, for as many children as come along. Mother, father, children. The home isn't a blank -- it's everything else that's shadowy -- home is what's real and the mother is the queen of it.
"As if the pinnacle of a healthy child is their ability to stand in a line, raise their hands, and hand over the fire truck they were playing with without a full-scale tantrum."
One of the best points in this article. Why are we trying to produce factory-farmed kids that are identical, compliant and expression-less.
I can't count the amount of times I've heard this whole, 'how will they get socialized?' question and wanted to vomit. I'm like, 'have you even met me?'
TBH, I oscillate between clenching my jaw and celebrating when my daughter rebels against me. It's magnificent, she's got a pulse, she's alive and she has OPINIONS! She has good ideas! She's got good reasons to argue with me. I love it (even when it exhausts me).
My inner child especially cheers her on, since I was stifled and punished a lot for expressing myself (lmao this still happens) and I don't want to perpetuate this kind of I-have-more-power-over-you-so-do-what-I-want-or-I'll-make-you-suffer oppression. I have a lot to learn from my children (w/ some guard rails ofc).
The idea that, when kids do things we want them to, in a predictable, quiet and smooth way, means that they're 'good kids' is so nauseating to me. Our society has completely forgotten the purpose of childhood, not to mention the very nature of children. Kids are here to make us think more expansively, to challenge us to let go, to force us to look in the mirror, to value having fun again, to cause us to surrender to the nature of things...It's so sad to see that our society would rather have miserable, regimented, controlled mini-adults than free-expressive-active children...
how much time do we adults spend complaining about how much adulthood sucks? Why on earth would you want to force your precious baby into that kind of drudgery so early? It's almost like we're...selfish!
It's almost like people have kids for the wrong reasons.
The thing is, anytime I open my mouth about daycare, breastfeeding, baby nutrition…I lose a friend.😆
Even trying to say things, “gently” people feel judged and hate you.
I'm actually going to blame the men in their lives for not protecting, providing and making way for the mother to be with the baby.
I believe the responsibility for the well-being of the family falls on the men, too, but I might not say we should "blame" them for not knowing what they don't know any more than we should "blame" young mothers. I guess it falls on my generation to educate younger men and women about this whole concept of family.
Gosh, I’m in the UK and took my year maternity leave and I still felt it wasn’t enough. Six weeks maternity is beyond heartbreaking.
Have to say my daughter first started nursery at one and she hated it. She never stopped crying at drop offs. I stopped doing drop offs because I hated it so my husband did it instead. In the end we pulled her out. It didn’t suit her at all. Worst of all was the jealousy I felt of my daughters key worker smell on MY baby. That got me. I knew deep in my would it should be MY smell. Not a stranger.
Have to say my daughter thrived when we moved her part time to a Montessori nursery.
I think the issue is we as women are expected to fit in in a men’s world. Built by men for men. Do the same cavemen hours, act like or monthly cycles don’t affect us differently, or menopause. We need new work policies as well as government change in the law from flexible working hours to perhaps work place childcare where you can go breastfeed your baby. It needs a whole new re-think.
Some of us are fortunate enough to be able to stay at home. Others aren’t. There are so many variations of why’s and it’s not just because we want careers, sometimes they’re forced for financial reasons.
I think the scandis are the leaders in this and I’ve no idea why other countries are still so behind.
I used to work as a daycare "teacher" when I was just out of college and before I had kids of my own. That was enough to convince me that I would never put my children in daycare. I stayed home with them for the first ten years of their lives and I would not trade a single dollar I could've earned instead for that connection and foundation to our relationship. But man, does the world undervalue this work. Even now, with my kids off to school for the first time as 4th and 5th graders, I'm constantly fielding questions about when I'm going to go back to work. Thankfully, my family doesn't need the money. We've managed just fine on one income for years with discipline and creativity. But there is still so much work to be done at home, so many times my kids are home for random days off school, playdates to organize, meals to make, not to mention the entire three month stretch of summer. I'm sure I'll work again someday, but for now, I still feel that I belong at home. Thank you for writing this and shining a light on the shitty deal us millenial moms have been given, Andrea.
I love this! It sums up so well all the thoughts I had as my maternity leave ended and why I ultimately couldn’t put my baby in daycare. I really feel for all the mamas out there who don’t have a choice.
Also this: “I also want to tell them: Men and women are different; plan accordingly. You will experience parenthood differently, and in no world will it ever be 50/50 with your partner, because a mother is a whole universe to her children. He can leave for 8 hours a day with little consequence if you’re at home. I didn’t make the rules I just blog about them! SORRY!”
It’s so accurate. Motherhood is not and never will be “fair” and personally that is totally okay with me. Being my baby’s entire universe (though he loves his daddy very much too!) is the greatest privilege ever.
Wow wow wow wow WOW. Did we just become besties?
I'm a SAHM of three. I recently joined the YMCA and am grateful for their childcare so I can exercise. Our first week, I sat around the nursery with my seven-month-old for about 20 minutes to get him used to the space and the care workers.
The care workers were all talking about how sad they were that the American Association of Pediatrics had recently recommended against care workers in daycares etc. holding babies who were asleep. The YMCA follows AAP recommendations, so that had recently become YMCA policy. But the care workers, who work there because they love babies and are good with babies, could tell the policy went against normal caring instinct and babies' needs.
The new rule is that if a baby falls asleep in a care worker's arms - which is both wholesome and also a relief, since many babies are in care during their naptime - the care worker may not hold them for more than a few minutes before having to place them in a crib. Of course, my baby, like most babies, will not stay asleep through that transfer to a crib, and will wake up and cry, and will possibly not go back to sleep at all.
I don't know why the AAP is now recommending this - maybe they're worried about accidental suffocation if the care worker is distracted? - but it seems odd, given what we know about the protective effect against SIDS of babies being close to someone else breathing. I assume that protective effect is why the AAP recommends room-sharing at night for the first 6-12 months at least.
Even if napping in a crib might be slightly safer on the tail end than napping in a care worker's arms, what about the smaller but more universal benefit to the nervous system of the baby feeling safe while napping on someone rather than being alone? Not every nap has to be a contact nap, but they're good for babies, especially younger babies, or especially when they're having a tough time relaxing in an unfamiliar or noisy environment (like an out-of-home group care situation).
This isn't a big deal for me, because my baby is only at the YMCA for an hour once or twice a week. And the care workers are quick to text me to come get him if he cries inconsolably for more than a few minutes, as was the case his first three or four weeks. But I can't imagine him being stuck in a situation like that without rescue for 40-50 hours a week. What torture.
What an absolutely bizarre and ridiculous rule! I *JUST* joined the Y and am trying out the youth center there for the first time with a 3 year old. Wish me luck!
AAP is anti-child and anti-family. Any organization who recommends against common sense that is millennia older than they is bad for families and kids.
AAP also recommended masks for kids to stop the spread of a virus despite plenty of evidence that masks don't work and do cause harm. They teach drs how to confidentially prescribe birth control to adolescents so parents don't find out. They advocate for the mutilation of children who suffer from gender dysphoria, denying the evidence that 80% of these kids self-resolve their dysphoria once through natural puberty.
I also joined the Y recently for the same reason (7 month old too!), and I wasn’t aware of this change. I know for sure my girl sleeps better in arms than a crib. This is good to know!
Almost thirty years ago I announced to my family and friends that I would stay at home with our first baby (the oldest of 4). The amount of constant discouragement I received from my parents and siblings nearly drowned me. They said I was going to waste my education, be dependent on my husband and loose out on building my career. So I asked, “Who else but me has a vested interest their outcome? Who else loves them like I do?”
To make things worse in their eyes, I pulled them from “regular school” and proceeded into the adventure of home education. We were peppered with the usual concerns with socialization, educational outcomes and if my kids would be “normal” enough to function in society. Turns out our investment in our children paid off in the most unexpected ways. I do not regret the financial and personal sacrifices we made to keep me in the heart of our family. It was hard work, but anything worth doing is just that…challenging.
The only thing I would have wanted to do differently is to give my younger self a little glimpse of our family now. It would have been the encouragement I needed to ignore the criticism of the outside world.
You sound a bit like my mom! She also received negative feedback ad nauseum about 'wasting her education'...ironically so did my granny and great-granny, who were both educated as well: I'll leave you with the comeback of my great-granny that my mom used to use too - "As long as a woman has a child to rear, her education is never going to be wasted"
I’m WFH with a nanny share. Being able to have focus time in my home office and then see and hold my baby during my breaks has been fantastic, and because we’re splitting costs with another family it’s comparable in price to daycare. Obviously not everyone can do this, but it works for us, and I feel much better about balancing both my career and motherhood. We need to remember that we didn’t evolve to care for babies solo and alone, either! SAHMs do a Herculean effort because of how we live and structure our society.
Great post. I wonder what the world would look like if people were as shocked to hear a mother IS going back to work as they generally are when they hear she’s going to stay home. Women come under too much judgment whatever they do which is so sad - as you touched upon fundamentally we shouldn’t need to have two incomes to live a ‘normal’ life. The whole system is so messed up really.
"I didn’t plan it this way. I just assumed, like every other girl I knew, that my career goals and motherhood goals were one in the same, that one wouldn’t need to be sacrificed."
I hope that those of us who are older and wiser (some who learned the hard way, some who made sacrifices to stay home with their babies) will help younger women understand the truth, even before they get married.
Wow that was a horrifying read! Fortunately daycare's never been 'a thing' in my family (all the moms for the last 3 generations became full-time moms at least for the school years before re-starting their careers) but having to think about that horrible, common reality was an eye-opener. I particularly liked the phrase "infant-management system"...unfortunately that's what a lot of people have been brainwashed to believe being a parent IS...really sickening
Thank you for saying what I know intrinsically to be true. I have had so many parents share their "positive" experiences with daycare and all I want to respond is what they said in the Alex Clark episode--you have attachment issues and you're passing them onto your child now.
"This is the typical status quo for young women: go to college (amassing crushing debt), start a career (to service that debt), get married, wait 3 years, have a baby, get a house (more debt), and go back to work like nothing even happened."
This was similar to my path, without the crushing debt. I used a combination of scholarship and working my way through. I would not have attended college otherwise. At least I got that part right, thanks to my dad's example of eschewing debt.
This is beautiful work. Thanks for starting the conversation.
Financially a lot of mothers have to work, plus what about moms with disabled children? Are we considering neurodivergence a disability? (I don’t believe it is, but it sure feels like one in the world we live in because it’s damn near impossible to live.) Single moms…
I have been and been a part of religious community where the majority of mothers stayed home and I can tell you the majority of us/them were exhausted, resentful and using addictions to cope and I can assure you these kids have tons of trauma.
My point is, we can’t do it without a village, a council and a support system. Personally I believe we need diverse communities, not just skin color but political, religious, world views. Because if that’s not the case humans have this little tendency to form cults and exploit others.
We have to slow the fuck down, stop suckling on the governments teet lol.
The thing that frustrates me the most is, are women seriously going to be expected to birth the population and solve its collective problems? We have to solve it, build it, create it? I don’t see that as sustainable in many ways. Also with very few women thriving who has capacity?
The responsibility must be shifted onto our society at some level to create the thing that we actually want to create.