The 'Low-Maintenance Baby' Trend is Stupid and Bad

Roll over, container babies! There's a new deranged mom-hack coming to your local algorithm.

When I tried to sleep train my toddler, all the ‘literature’ I read said that the way a baby learns to fall asleep, like being rocked, fed, or held, will be what they always come to rely on when they wake up at night—so watch out or else those needy goobers will get used to it!

A baby or toddler ‘getting used’ to being nurtured at night was code for the death of your freedom, the erasure of your “old self,” and possibly the downfall of your marriage.

This notion had me frog-crawling on the floor of my daughter’s room after I transferred her to her crib. One night, POP my ankle cracked midway across the floor. My breath stuck in my throat. Would she wake up? I decided to go still, lying like a corpse in an open grave below her crib. Every time she shifted I froze and added ten more minutes to when it was ‘safe’ to start crawling out again.

How I Got Brainwashed by Sleep Training Euphemisms

The alternative was lying outside the door while she screamed. I still remember peeking through the crack and reassuring her I was still outside. Somehow, if I left, she sensed it.

I assumed these positions on both sides of the door for almost three years of my daughter’s life. I was so obsessed with sleep schedules it almost drove me to deep postpartum depression bordering on psychosis.

According to the newest motherhood influencer trend, I had a ‘HIGH MAINTENANCE BABY!’ which is a real vibe killer.